Still Living in the Shadow of Alzheimers

 As part of Sheri's doctors therapy plan, Sheri has gone back to the beginning of her blog and is reading it out loud ... Sheri is learning so much about herself.

Sheri is pausing, praising and praying. 

Sheri is trying hard to find her center, but she is not sure if the tears of the past weigh more or less than the fears of the future.
Sheri needs to pause, praise and pray.

Sheri is trying hard to just go with flow, as she navigates these deep swings of joy and sorrow. To be honest most days she just focuses on work and hopes she can keep it together. She is not looking for sympathy, she is just sharing so you might know what others in your life who are grieving, are going through.
Sheri needs to pause, praise and pray.

Living in the shadow of Alzheimers

One more day. Sheri knows every day is a blessing, but she will be really glad when 2018 comes to close.
Sheri needs to Pause, Praise and Pray.

Each day that goes by Sheri sees people hurting all around her. She can't help thinking about all the people that are plucked from this world daily. They disappear, their loved ones mourn, there is gathering at the funeral, and then life just goes on. The world does not stop, business of life does not stop, we still need to eat, work, plan, shovel snow, it as if those that were lost were never here. Death happens to everyone. Sheri is not saying she needs more support , she does not.. these are just the facts. So the only thing that really matters is what you do right now in this moment, the smile you give, the gentle touch, the prayers you pray.

1 Corinthians 12:25-27 so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now you are Christ’s body, and individually members of it.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 26

The workers at the facility were trying hard to help Sheri and the girls. They let them use one of the model apartments to sleep in as there was not enough room for the three of them to sleep in the room with "the boys". This was a huge help because this way they could stay with Bob in shifts while the others got some sleep. They brought in trays of food in at no charge... Sheri was very grateful, and on Monday when the higher ups saw the "storage room" they were in they quickly moved the stacks of cabinets to a different location, and apologized profusely. This gave the family room to spread out. Sheri and the girls were grateful for the kind treatment.
Philippians 4:6: Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end chapter 25

Bob and "Al" were in a shared room, and because both of her daughters and their husbands were there constantly, they allowed Bob and "Al" to move to another room they needed privacy desperately. The faculty only had one other room available, they were using half of the room for storage of new kitchen cabinets stacked double high that were to be installed next week. The smell of fresh wood, stain and cardboard permeated the room. Has they have done so many times before on this very long journey, Sheri and the girls had tearful giggles knowing that Bob, the fix anything, build any thing man was right at home, these were smells that Bob would not have found offensive, as Bob the man who managed a hardware store and mixed paint all day, was very familiar with. The irony of the situation brought more laughter, that was really grief running down their faces.

Revelation 21:4 “And God will wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there will be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 21

When the boys began hospice they started  Bob and "Al" on morphine. They were finding it hard to get the right dosage to keep "them calm". So as Bob could no longer swallow, his eyes closed all the time, and his morphine not quite high enough, it appeared to Sheri that "they" were hungry and thirsty, because anything that came by Bob's mouth "Al" tried to put in Bob's mouth. There is a vision stuck in Sheri's head, haunting her daily, "Al" put Bob's fingers in his mouth and began to suck them.
What a wretched, wretched disease.
Isaiah 40:29 He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end chapter 19

Hospice evaluated  "the boys". At first evaluation they thought "they" were in pretty rough shape, Sheri reminded them that he was still under a tremendous amount of drugs. Hospice agreed to reevaluate the next day. When they came back the next day they were surprised to see the "the boys" a little more alert and trying to swallow while being fed. The head hospice nurse said was glad to see him rebound a little. She thought it could be 3-6 months, and explained that everyone is different.
Sheri took a deep breath.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 9

The chest x-ray came back with a small amount of fluid in Bob's lungs, but apparently nothing to be too concerned about. By the time the results of the Brain CT scan came back it was a 8:30pm. Now because of all the drugs they had given "the boys" Bob and "Al" were pretty much catatonic. Sheri waited for the results of the last test, and when the doctor came in Sheri took a deep breath, and waited for what ever she was going to say next.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 8

After three tries they decided it was time to change medicine, they were not able to get "the boys" to settle down. By now Sheri and "the boys" had been in the emergency room for 3.5 to 4 hours. Sheri was drained and wearing down quickly. She had to interact with "the boy's" every second of every minute, singing , humming, trying to keep him in the bed, those very long legs found there way back in the bed rails many times. After two doses of the new medicine and another hour, "the boys" were still enough to have the chest x-ray done, and after the third dose and 30 minutes later "they" were able to have the Brain MRI. Sheri felt like she had been through battle... she could not believe all of this was necessary.
Sheri knew she needed to pause, praise and pray, she felt alone and defeated.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 7

After the catheter fiasco they tried yet a third dose of "calming medicine" there was about a 45 minute wait for the next test, they were hoping the medicine would take affect since "the boys would have to be very still for the next round of tests. "Al's" adrenaline was high and his jerking and grabbing was uncontrollable. The only thing Sheri could think of doing was to start singing and see if that would calm "them" down. She started singing "Zipity Do Da", and after a few verses Bob started to relax slightly and he began to try and sing, Sheri was glad he was relaxing his grip a little, because "Al" had Bob's huge hand tangled in Sheri's hair and was pulling hard.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 6

Sheri waited patiently ( "the boy's" impatiently) for the doctor to come in and evaluate Bob's condition. About a half hour to 45 minutes in, a female doctor came in and read the chart and then turned to Sheri and asked why we were here what types of changes the facility had seen. Sheri took a deep breath and tried to explain what she knew. The doctor said they need to run a battery of tests and listed off a chest x-ray (Bob was coughing), blood work, a urine sample, and head CT scan. The doctor did her best to explain to Sheri why the tests needed to be done, Sheri said she felt that this was just a progression of the disease after all they were 10 years plus in this monster called Alzheimer's. The problem with that assumption apparently, was that the facility needed to know what was happening, because the 2 person assist was a change. They scheduled the tests and the first one, the urine test, was not attainable with out a catheter. The calming medicine they gave "the boys" was not working, they gave a second dose but to no avail. Sheri spent the next five minutes or so assisting the 2 nurses by laying across 6'4,strong as an ox Bob's chest holding "them" down while the nurses inserted the catheter. Bob and "Al" cried out in pain, Sheri went into her familiar survival mode (at least on the outside) on inside she was weeping uncontrollably.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end chapter 5

The nurse said they needed to start an IV, "the boys" were restless. In the previous week or so Bob's eyes were closed most of the time, whether sitting or laying or being fed ,but he was also doing very jerky movements with his arms, reaching and grabbing at the air and any thing in reach. Needless to say getting the IV in was a challenge. The ER was busy that late afternoon and there was no one available to help Sheri keep Bob in the bed as she waited for the doctor to assess "the boys". Sheri was frustrated because she was not even clear why they were in this ER battle. The nurse already had an order for some  "calming medicine". Sheri prayed it would kick in soon, because "Al" was already getting his grasping hands tangled in the IV line , Sheri knew it would only be a matter of time before "Al" pulled the IV right out of his arm.

Living without Bob and "Al"

Sheri is feeling the need to go back and fill in the gaps of the last couple of months. She is hoping reliving it here, the way she has been accustom to doing...will help her process her life.
Stay tuned.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri is struggling to accept that Bob is truly gone. How can it be?

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sometimes Sheri sits and studies Bob's face
Now only hoping for peace and for grace.

She studies his eyes, once alert and alive
Now only glassy and closed most of the time.

She studies his jawline, once chiseled and strong
Now only hangs low, Lord this is so wrong

She studies his hands, once callused and rough
Now only thin and soft to the touch

She studies his movements once precise with his saw
Now only erratic... Sheri feels raw.

Sometimes Sheri sits and studies Bob's face
Now only hoping for peace and for grace.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri has always said she would be honest about this journey, and she has done her best to do that.  The whole system needs to be overhauled, she does not know what that means or what it looks like, but the gaps in communication are wide. There are truly loving caring people working and caring for "the boys" for which she will be forever grateful, but the system is truly broken.
Sheri needs to pause, praise and pray, she knows God will hear her prayers through the fog.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Other than immediate family, Sheri does not really like taking pictures of people. You see Gods beauty in nature is real and pure. People on the other hand, can pose and smile even when there is a dismantled heart at the other end. 

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sometimes it just takes a second to bring Sheri to tears. She was visiting with "the boys" last weekend, when they got out to the hallway out side the locked door "Al" put Bob's arm around Sheri and Bob kissed the top of Sheri's head. She is not sure why for that very split second , Bob knew who she was, but the dam of emotions Sheri has been holding back for years...has a hole in it.