Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 11

Sheri met the ambulance back over at the faculty. "The boys" were sleeping , and Sheri was past the point of exhaustion. She met with staff and explained everything. She let them know that Bob was highly drugged and that he would definitely be out a long time. She covered the paperwork with the them, explained the procedures he had done and to refer to the after care instructions. She asked if they had any questions and they said no. There was only an on call nurse overnight so Sheri explained she would be starting him on hospice care and would call in the morning to speak to the nurse. She peeked in on "the boys" one more time, and then headed home.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter10

The doctor enter the room, Sheri was more than exhausted, "the boys" were zombied out from all the meds. The doctor said after reviewing all the tests there was no apparent reason for the changes. Sheri chimed in (probably a little more sarcastically then her normal polite self)  and said "you mean other than the fact that he is 10 plus years into this disease?" The doctor nodded in agreement. She offered to admit him for further evaluation and before the doctor had even finished her comment, Sheri stopped her and with tears in her eyes said "No. No! there would be nothing they would find that Sheri would approve treatment for at this stage of the disease, so absolutely not. " The doctor said she agreed with that decision and said they would write the order for hospice care, she said someone would call her in the morning to sign the paperwork. They set up the ambulance to take "them" back to the faculty. Before they left , the male nurse that had been so gruff at the beginning of the night came over to Sheri and asked if he could give her a hug. Sheri was taken aback, but then he said "the staff and myself have been watching and listening to you care for your husband all evening, we have all been in awe of your patience and care of him." he and several others gave her a hug.
 Sheri sat in her car, her heart heavy, defeated, and numb, but Sheri knew God was present thru the afternoon and evening, and she knew He was in the car with her as well, she was just not able to see Him through her tears.

Living with Bob and "Al"

The beginning of the end Chapter 8

After three tries they decided it was time to change medicine, they were not able to get "the boys" to settle down. By now Sheri and "the boys" had been in the emergency room for 3.5 to 4 hours. Sheri was drained and wearing down quickly. She had to interact with "the boy's" every second of every minute, singing , humming, trying to keep him in the bed, those very long legs found there way back in the bed rails many times. After two doses of the new medicine and another hour, "the boys" were still enough to have the chest x-ray done, and after the third dose and 30 minutes later "they" were able to have the Brain MRI. Sheri felt like she had been through battle... she could not believe all of this was necessary.
Sheri knew she needed to pause, praise and pray, she felt alone and defeated.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri has been observing herself again. She is realizing this part of the journey is quite different than some others in regards to the death of a spouse. Bob had not been living with Sheri for a year and 4 months. Coming home alone from the memorial service and each day since has not had the feeling of coming home to an empty house because her house has been empty already for long time. She has already done the "remove items belonging to him process." Some might think this might make it easier... Sheri thinks not. She has been grieving the loss of Bob for a very long time, the only difference is now "Al" is gone too, he was her coping mechanism. Sheri has no distraction from her grief. Everyone says it will take time, she knows that is true, but right now time is standing still.
Sheri needs to pause, praise and pray.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sometimes Sheri sits and studies Bob's face
Now only hoping for peace and for grace.

She studies his eyes, once alert and alive
Now only glassy and closed most of the time.

She studies his jawline, once chiseled and strong
Now only hangs low, Lord this is so wrong

She studies his hands, once callused and rough
Now only thin and soft to the touch

She studies his movements once precise with his saw
Now only erratic... Sheri feels raw.

Sometimes Sheri sits and studies Bob's face
Now only hoping for peace and for grace.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri thinks too much has happened in the last 48 hours to write here right now, so for now she will just say that Bob and "Al" are now on hospice care. When she catches up on her sleep and can think clearly she will try and find her voice again. She is struggling to pause, praise and pray.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri took some time to refresh her mind and soul in the 7 degree temperature this "Spring" in Minnesota. She needs that internal focus of looking through the camera lens to know that God is still with her on this journey.
Sheri needs to pause, praise and pray.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri's anxiety, depression and ability to cope seems to change daily. She will be signing new care plan documents today, "the boys " will be fitted for a wheel chair. Sheri is feeling like she needs a care plan too.
 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV

Living with Bob and "Al"

Today March 18th is Sheri and Bob's 29th wedding anniversary. This year she did not hide from it. She found the cassette tape of their wedding vows and brought it with her to the facility where "the boys" live. She sat beside him wearing both of their wedding rings. She explained what the tape was. She played it through with no recognition from Bob, she did not expect any... she did it for herself. She is trying hard to reconcile her marriage, feelings of rejection, abandonment, and loneliness in the years before Bob was diagnosed. She paused. she praised, she prayed, she wept.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri is working hard on centering her life around Christ instead of "self", because she knows she not still walking on this earth because of her own abilities.  It is only through the Grace of God she is able to share her journey, and she is nothing without Him.
Sheri will continue to Pause Praise and Pray.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sometimes it just takes a second to bring Sheri to tears. She was visiting with "the boys" last weekend, when they got out to the hallway out side the locked door "Al" put Bob's arm around Sheri and Bob kissed the top of Sheri's head. She is not sure why for that very split second , Bob knew who she was, but the dam of emotions Sheri has been holding back for years...has a hole in it.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri learned a lot about the Geri Psych unit these last two weeks. Sheri things everyone dealing with this should watch the videos this hospital has produced. Follow the link and scroll down the page to the family video section at the lower right.Ridgeview Medical Geriatric mental health
Although for Sheri the information itself was not new, the way it was presented was very helpful.

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri is happy to say "the boys" are back home at the facility as of yesterday. Sheri is hopeful things will stay stable. Unfortunately, Sheri is not quite as stable,  she fell on the ice and has a shoulder separation...heavy sigh, but on the bright side she is grateful someone else is caring for "the boys" right now. See always a silver lining :)

Living with Bob and "Al"

Well it is January again. Sheri does not make resolutions. Not that there aren't things she needs to change about herself, there are ... but Webster defines a  resolution in two ways
 1. A firm decision to do or not to do something. 
2. The action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter.

Neither of these seem attainable right now, maybe next year.  
Sheri needs to pause, praise and pray.

Livng with Bob and "Al"

Sheri is realizing just how deep she has been stuffing her emotions for so many years, it was a protective skin that allowed her to continue to face each day.  She knows that sounds a little weird, but she has been in what she refers to has "survival mode" for over ten years, and almost a year after Bob's placement the dam seems to be bursting ... daily. Excepting Bob's recent aggressive behavior and the major slide he is in from afar, and knowing she can not fix this is finally becoming real to her. Thanks to praying friends and those walking with her, she is still hanging on by a thread and often can not write her feelings away. Sheri knows she has a purpose in this life, God is carrying her through this part of her journey, because she is definitely to weak to walk.

  

Living with Bob and "Al"

Sheri is trying hard to redefine "self". But who is she? So many years of care-giving has left the pieces of "her life puzzle " scattered around on the floor. Sheri hates this disease.

Old photo of "Al" asking the cat to help with Bob's puzzle